Eyes of the Wolf
by Child Of the Faeries
Summary: Matt learns about growing up.... and losing friends. Kind of an angsty view about what to world appears like to Matt.


Eyes of The Wolfby Child of the Faeries  
  
Matt learns about growing up.... and losing friends. Kind of an angsty view about what to world appears like to Matt.  
  
  
  
"What can I buy to make the sky turn blue again?   
  
Where can I go to feel like I'm alive again?   
  
Show me the places where I can forget your name  
  
I can't find anything except a void inside   
  
I don't have anything, because I don't have you."  
  
  
  
Matt leaned against a tree, his mind on other things. Gabumon sat at his side, silent. "We've been replace, you know," Matt said softly, gazing across the lake. "We're.....not good enough anymore."  
  
"Matt, that's not true. As a teen-ager, you are too busy to come and save some silly monsters in another world," Gabumon said, putting his hand on Matt.   
  
Matt sighed, his eyes troubled. "I know you're right.... you're always right..... but I can't help....... Feeling betrayed." He got up and smoothed his shirt. "I need to go home, Gabu. Dad's having his girlfriend over for dinner."  
  
"Is everything fine at home?" Gabumon asked, looking at his friend with strangely wise eyes.  
  
"It's fine. I'm fine." Matt turned to walk away. "It's just.....everything is changing so fast......."  
  
"I'll see you again soon, Matt," Gabumon said as his golden haired friend walked silently away.  
  
"See ya soon."  
  
  
  
Matt changed into some clean black clothes and walked out of his room, just as his father arrived with his girlfriend, Cara. "This must be Matt!" she exclaimed, shaking his hand enthusiastically. Matt merely nodded and walked away.   
  
"I have a party tonight, Dad," Matt said, pulling on his shoes and leaving the apartment before his father could stay anything.   
  
He knew that he should have stayed, but something inside of himself made him leave. Walking around aimlessly at the mall, he bumped into Mimi. "Hi Matt!" she exclaimed enthusiastically. He nodded and tried to walk away.  
  
"I never see you anymore," she said, taking hold of his hand. "Are you avoiding us or something?"  
  
Matt smiled vaguely. "I've been busy."   
  
"I know....... It seems like you're never around anymore," she said playfully, touching his side. "I've missed you."  
  
Matt looked into Mimi's eyes and felt sadness overwhelm him. He loved her...... and yet hated her. "I've missed you, too."  
  
She smiled. "But I'm having a party on Friday night. Won't you please come? You haven't talked to all of us in a long time. Joe and Sora....me and the younger Digi-Destined...... We don't go to your school..... and it would for them to talk to you again."  
  
Matt thought about it, his eyes fixed on Mimi's lovely hair. "I guess...... I could come....." he said, thoughtfully. "If I'm not busy with something already.   
  
Grinning, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away. Matt watched his superficial friend walk away and felt a tear roll down his face.   
  
Everyday was the same. He smiled and laughed with his friends, pretending everything was okay. They were such shallow people, really, that sometimes he grew annoyed and had to walk away.  
  
His whole life was a joke. He wore a mask to hide his indifference, to shield his hatred and shame from his friends. They thought he was the happiest person alive.  
  
They were wrong.   
  
Everyday, when laughing and joking, a piece of his soul disappeared. He no longer felt whole. Matt felt crippled and abused. Alone forever in life.  
  
Like a lone wolf.   
  
  
  
Jaded, Matt shuffled back into his apartment several hours later. "Matt..... why did you run away like that?" his father asked sternly from where he was sitting in the living room, wrapped with shadows. "I really wanted to you meet Cara."  
  
"I had something to do," Matt replied sullenly. He didn't feel like talking.  
  
"Matt, Cara and I are going to be married," he heard his father's voice say, and he felt his whole world ending.  
  
"What?" he demanded, walking over to his father. Matt's eyes were blazing.   
  
"I love her, Matt..... Please don't do this."  
  
"You love her? Just like you loved Mom?" Matt said cynically, his anger overwhelming him.   
  
"Matt, your mother and I..... were going separate ways. We thought it best-"  
  
"You thought it best? To rip our family apart, leaving me to never know who my brother was? That was for the best? Leaving me to raise myself because you were always too busy working?" Matt's tone was harsh. "So now you're in love again. How long will it last this time? Not long enough to have two kids, I hope. You wouldn't want to screw up four kids in your lifetime, like you screwed up on us."   
  
His father tried to say something, but Matt walked away, his eyes defiant. Once he got to his room, he closed his door and leaned against it, trying to will the tears away.  
  
Everything was spinning out of control.   
  
  
  
Matt turned around in his seat and put on the patented Ishida smile. "Hey Kira..... Do you have to answer to number 24?" The girl giggled.  
  
"Of course I do! It's 567,890,456."  
  
"Thanks," Matt said, turning around. The girl giggled and told her friends that Matt Ishida had a crush on her.   
  
Matt sighed. Why couldn't anyone treat him like a person, not just a cute face and a smile? He was a person, spirit and soul. He had emotions that ran thicker that his blood. But no one understood.   
  
Walking down the hallways, he ran into Izzy. "Hey Iz-man..... waz up?"  
  
Izzy looked surprised. "What did I do to deserve a visit from the famous Matt Ishida?" His tone hurt Matt.  
  
"What do you mean? I'm your friend."  
  
"Some friend," Izzy said, walking away. As he disappeared down the hallway, a couple of Matt's best friends tripped him, making all of his books fall to the floor.  
  
"Why did you do that?" Matt demanded, and Riley just shook his head.  
  
"Dude, Izumi is a loser. No one cares if we pick on a couple of losers." They laughed. Matt knew his friend was wrong, but didn't say anything. They walked outside together, and some of Matt's friends noticed Tai practicing his soccer.  
  
"Look, there's another dweeb!" Andrew said, running out into the field and punching Tai. When Tai stood back up, Andrew pushed him back down, his fist meeting Tai's eye.   
  
Matt watched in horror, but didn't move. A part of him wanted to help........ but he didn't. This wasn't his fight.  
  
Walking away, Matt felt his soul growing more distant. More isolated.  
  
  
The day of Mimi's party came, and Matt obligingly went. Tai was already there, a shiny black eye on his face. Their eyes met and Matt could feel Tai's cold anger towards him.   
  
The others arrived, and they smiled when they saw Matt. But, he noticed, none of them talked to him long. They all looked nervous and afraid.   
  
After several hours of painful disconnection from the group, Matt just wanted to go home and curl up in his bed. He didn't want to be here.   
  
The others kept giving him icy glares, angry and hurt. Why? Because he had moved on in his life? Was that such a crime?  
  
Matt leaned back on the couch and tried to hide, but Mimi had already spotted him. "What are you doing all of the way back here?" she asked, sitting beside him.  
  
"Since you haven't noticed yet, I guess I'll have to be blunt," Matt said with a sigh. "Mimi, I don't want to be friends with you guys anymore." Mimi's face couldn't hide the surprise.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Don't you get it?" Matt said fiercely, his eyes darkening. "I can't lose any friends if I'm alone."  
  
Confusion crossed her face. "What do you mean?"  
  
"This is all a charade!" Matt said intensely, his eyes meeting hers. "Everyday we laugh and smile and pretend we all get along, but it's not true."  
  
"Matt, you're scaring me," Mimi said softly, taking hold of his hand. He moved away.  
  
"Who is the biggest fool of all? 'Tis me, the king of all fools." His eyes grew sad, and Mimi didn't understand. "I need to go."  
  
"Why Matt?? Why do you continue to isolate yourself? We're your friends!" Mimi said softly.  
  
"I'm no one's friend," Matt said sorrowfully, putting on his shoes and disappearing into the night.   
  
  
  
  
The next day in school, he laughed and chattered with his friends. He pretended to enjoy himself. They teased people as they tripped down the hallways and pushed the younger children down.   
  
Matt felt a darkness closing over him, but couldn't stop it. There was no use avoiding the inevitable.   
  
Bearer of Friendship, he thought with a laugh. I do not deserve such a title.   
  
  
  
Far away, in the Digital World, Gabumon laid down on the sandy shore where he had first become Garurumon. "Matt....... don't allow this!" he whispered softly. "Remain true to yourself...... Don't let the fire die inside of you........" His breathing became labored, and Gabumon felt his soul being torn apart. "Please Matt......If you let the Friendship die inside of yourself........I'll die........"  
  
He gazed at the large blue lake glittering in the noonday sun and breathed his last breath.  
  
  
  
"Matt." T.K. walked into Matt's apartment, his jaw set.   
  
Matt sighed. "T.K., I'm working on an English essay. Do you think this could wait?"  
  
"No." T.K.'s blue eyes were cold. "We went to the Digital World today."  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Gabumon is dead."  
  
Matt's eyes were filled with surprise. "Who killed him? Is he an egg at primary village?"  
  
"No. He is dead. He will NEVER return. Because you killed him. You forgot the Friendship inside of you. He was made of that Friendship. When it ceased to exist, so did he."  
  
"Gabumon.......... won't he come back?"  
  
"You will never get your Friendship back, so you will never get your friend back," T.K. said softly, holding out a tag and crest. Matt took into his hands.   
  
The crest and tag was black with a single silver lightening bolt. Matt shivered. "This is yours now. Friendship has been taken from you."  
  
"Who has it now?" Matt asked, his heart heavy. T.K. sighed.  
  
"Someone who deserved it more."  
  
  
  
The next day, Matt took out his essay. He didn't feel like laughing or smiling as he reread the words one last time before turning it in.  
  
  
_-_-_-_-_- Matt Ishida -_-_-_-_-_-  
  
I was told long ago that I was filled with Friendship. As long as I believed in myself, I would always to be happy, because my Friendship would bring contentment to everyone.  
  
That was many years ago, and many things have changed. I have new friends now, who are very different. Almost cruel. And I still see my old friends, at school, but I do not know them and they do not know me.  
  
I'm happy. Anyone could tell you that. And yet....... If no one knows me, how can they know that I am happy? We are all shadows, figments of each other's imaginations. Each of us does not matter in the long run, for we are a brief flame. We shine brightly, but are easily snuffed out.   
  
Jaded, cynically and cold I am, searching forever for something that is not there. I am searching for my Holy Grail, a Balm of Gilead. Something to heal my haunted and tormented soul. Is there no Balm of Gilead? Will I find no rest for my weary soul?  
  
Late at night, I sob in my sleep because I know my life means nothing. I am just another candle in the wind. I feel burdened..... because no one else seems to realize that I am right. My disillusioned point of view disturbs me, because there is no way it can be wrong.   
  
I have lost many good friends recently. All people who were kind and good..... it was I that failed them, not them that failed me. I realize my shortcomings, but there is nothing I can do. I am the lone wolf, forever isolated.  
  
I cry to the world, begging for answers, but Fate had not been kind to me. Justice looks at me with pity but will not come to my aid. Even God has turned his back on my wretched soul.  
  
I think that I am not filled with Friendship, as I once was told. The Friendship in my soul has be murdered, leaving me almost dead and destroyed. My soul has been shattered.   
  
No. If I were to say my soul was filled with one thing, I would have to say that I am filled with coldness. Isolated and Spite. Venomous and distant, so afraid.  
  
My soul is filled with Loneliness.  
  



End file.
